It’s a recurring hazard of being married to an elementary school teacher: At any given moment, our household is 1.5 cocktails away from adopting a hedgehog. We determined this was the least unseemly of the class pet options (we’re not punk enough for reptiles, not twee enough for hamsters), and are sure the kids would love a hedgehog, but the little pushpins are largely nocturnal, EAT LIVE CRICKETS, and cannot be left at school over the weekend. This is all well and good for hedgehog parents seeking out a spine-child in earnest, but if it weren’t for the little ones’ class pet campaign, we’d already be set with our horrible cat-son, Salmon Marie.
Last year, Gabby was seriously entertaining the hedgehog idea— we made several appointments with Washington hedgehog breeders, from Bremerton to Goldendale. The children were holding class meetings about the pet: under Gabby’s supervision, they wrote rules of engagement with their fur baby-to-be, despite not knowing if the animal in question would, in fact, have fur. For weeks, they pestered; Gabby and I cleared a Saturday to drive to Goldendale. And then, without clear impetus, the children dropped it. They collectively forgot about the pet, and didn’t bring it up for the rest of the year. We sighed with relief, cancelled our appointment with the breeder, and agreed we didn’t really want a hedgehog after all.
I had put the class pet out of my mind until last Tuesday, when Gabby texted me a photo of a handwritten note from one of her students, slid across the desk after a summer tutoring session. In shaky print, it was written:
To: Gabby
I want a pet! please? our class is empty with no pets so can we please have a pet
From: A******
Thus, the 2019-2020 class pet campaign has begun. Before Gabby gets any big hedgehog ideas, I’m submitting this list of low-maintenance class pets For Her Consideration. Why bring a depressive toothpick-monster into our home when you could instead select:
Fish
-obvious choice
-simple to care for
-can’t believe we didn’t get a fish last year
-brutally boring (valuable lesson on disappointment)
-will not bid for focused attention/physical touch
-easy to win at your local fair, if you’re not an amateur
Banana
-delicious
-beautiful yellow coat
-short lifespan (valuable lesson on grief)
-could not eat a cricket even if it wanted to
-tolerant of children/other bananas
-of all potential pet options, highest in potassium
Poster of Ed Norton as The Hulk
-visually stunning
-doesn’t come with the emotional baggage of the real Ed Norton
-arguably a relic, now that Mark Ruffalo has taken over
-smooth to the touch
-sleeps soundly through the night
-doesn’t know how to (or won’t) shit
-runs circles around the poster for the new Spider Man
Tennis Ball Glued To A Stick
-amenable to baths
-hypoallergenic
-profound commentary on recreation in the 21st century
-a toothless wonder
-unable to roll or bounce
-easily breaks into smaller pieces (valuable lesson on sharing)
-not bred in Goldendale
Please leave your votes for Gabby’s next class pet in the comments. She will choose our new furless friend based on your input and your input alone. Happy Tuesday, freaks!